There once was a lady from Niger
Who smiled as she rode on a Tiger
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside
And the smile on the face of the Tiger.

There was a young lady named Gay
Who was asked to make love in the hay;
She jumped at the chance
And took off her pants;
She was tickled to try it that way.

If intercourse gives you thrombosis
While continence causes neurosis
I prefer to expire
Fulfilling desire
Than live on a state of psychosis.

There was a young student of Johns
Who wanted to bugger the swans,
But the loyal hall porter
Said, "Sir, take my daughter
Them birds are reserved for the dons".

There was a young peasant named Gorse
Who fell madly in love with a horse.
Said his wife, "You rapscallion,
That horse is a stallion -
This constitutes grounds for divorce".

A herder who hailed from Terre Haute
Fell in love with a young nanny goat;
The daughter he sired
Was greatly admired
For her beautiful angora coat.

An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know.
A woman is fine
And a sheep is divine
But a llama is Numero Uno!"

There was a young man from the coast
Who had an affair with a ghost.
At the height of orgasm
This she-ectoplasm
Said, "I think I can feel it - almost."

There was a young maiden named Hoople
Whose bosom was triple, not double;
So she had it removed
But it grew back improved
And in present her front is quadruple.

There was a young maid of Boston, Mass
Who stood in the water up to her knees,
If it doesn't rhyme now,
It will rhyme, and how
When the tide comes in: up to her ...

There was an old girl of Kilkenny
Whose usual charge was a penny
For half of that sum
You might fondle her bum:
A source of amusement to many.

There was a young harlot from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get out in,
They'll pay to get of it, too".

On her bosom a beauteous young frail
Had illumined the price of her tail;
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
The same is embroidered in Braille.

Well bugged was a boy named Delpasse
By all of the lds in his class
He said, with a yawn,
"Now the novelty's gone;
It's only a pain in the ass".

A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
Fell in love with a dashing young beau;
To arrest his regard
She would squat in his yard
And appealingly pee in the snow.

There was a young girl of Baroda
Who built an erotic pagoda;
The walls of its halls
Were festooned with the balls
And the tools of the fools who bestrode her.

There once was a sculptor named Phidias
Whose manners in art were invidious:
He carved Aphrodite
Without any nightie
Which startled the ultrafastidious.

There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
Who took grain to the mill to get grits with
The miller's son Jack
Laid her flat on her back
And united the organs they kissed with.

There was a young man of Eau Claire
Enjoying his girl on the stair;
On the forty-fourth stroke
The banister broke
And he finished her off in mid-air.

There was a young man of Coblenz
Whose equipment was simply immense
It took forty-four draymen
A priest and three laymen
To carry it thither and thence.

There was a young lady named Cager
Who as the result of a wager
Consented to fart
The whole oboe part
Of Mozart's Quartet in F-Major.

There was a young lady of Brussels
Whose pride was her vagina muscles;
She could easily plex them
And so interflex them
As to whistle love songs through her bustles.

A forward young fellow named Tarr
Had a habit of goosing his Ma:
"Go pester you sister,
She said when he kissed her:
"I've trouble enough with your Pa".

A lady with features cherubic
Was famed for her arena pubic
When they asked her its size
She replied in surprise:
"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"

There was a young fellow named Bliss
Whose sex life was strangely amiss
For even with Venus
His recalcitrant penis
Would seldom do better than t

h i s.

A Salvation lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
"I wish to be opened with prayer".

A brainy Professor named Zed
Dreamed one night of a buxom co-ed
He mussed and he bussed her,
And otherwise fussed her,
But the action was all in his head.

Winter is here with his grouch
The time when you sneeze and you slouch
You can"t take your women
Canoeing or swimming
But a lot can be done on a couch.

A painter who came from Great Britain
Hailed a lady who sat with her knitain
He remarked with a sigh,
"That park bench - well, I
Just painted it, right where you"re sitain".

A strip-teaser up in Fall River
Caused a sensitive fellow to quiver
The esthetic vibration
Brought soulful elation;
Besides, it was good for the liver.

A dentist, young Doctor Malone
Got a charming girl patient alone,
And, in his depravity,
He filled the wrong cavity -
Just see how his practice has grown!

There was a faith-healer of Deal
Who said, "Although pain isn"t real,
If I sit on a pin,
And it punctures my skin
I dislike what I fancy I feel".

There was a young lady of Wantage
Of whom the Town Clerk took advantage.
Said the Country Surveyor,
"Of course you must pay her;
You"ve altered the line of her frontage".

The frustration of Johnny Carruther
Must stem from this fact and none other
There just wasn"t room
To return in the womb,
Occupied, at the time by his brother.

There once was a fellow named Bob
Who in sexual ways was a snob
One day he went to swimmin"
With twelve naked women
And deserted them all for a gob.

I met a lewd nude in Bermuda
Who thought she was shrewd; I was shrewder
She thought it quite crude
To be wooed in the nude
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her.

A prolific young mother named Hall
Who seemed to have triplets each Fall
When asked why and wherefore
Said, "That"s what we"re here for
But we often get nothing at all".

There was an old fellow of Croydon
Whose cook was a cute little hoyden.
She would sit on his knees
While shelling the peas
Or pleasanter duties employed on.

There was a young lady named Mabel
Who said, "I don't think that I'm able;
But I'm willing to try
So where shall I lie -
On the bed, or the floor, or the table?"

There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner;
At half past nine
They sat down to dine
And by quarter to ten it was in her.
What - dinner?
No, Skinner!

A zoologist"s daughter of Zug
Cried, "Pa, what is that on the rug?"
Said he, "Goodness, gracious!
Haw very vexatious!
I very much fear it"s a b... blood-sucking insect of the cimex lectularius species".

A handsome young gent down in Fla. (Florida)
Collapsed in a hospital ca. (corridor)
A young nurse from Me. (Maine)
Sought to banish his pe. (pain)
And shot him. Now what could be ha? (horrider)

There was a young lady of Joppa
Who came a most terrible cropper.
She went to Ostend
With a gentleman friend,
The rest of the story is improper.

There was a young lady of Lynn
Who was nothing but bones except skin;
So she wore a false bust
In the likewise false trust
That she looked like a lady of sin.

There was a young lady of Rye
With a shape like a capital I.
When they said, "It"s too bad",
She learned how to pad;
Which shows you that figures can lie.

There was a young lady of Slough
Who said that she didn"t know how
Then a young fellow caught her
And jolly well taught her
She lodges in Pimlico now.

There was a young lady of Starky
Who had an affair with a darkey
The result of their sins
Were quadruplets, not twins
One black, and two white, and one khaki.

There was a young lady of Worcester
Who complained that so many men goosed her
So she traded her scanties
For sandpaper panties
Now they goose her much less then they used her.

A delighter incredulous bride
Remarked to the groom at her side,
"I never could quite
Believe till tonight
Our anatomies would coincide".

There was a brave damsel of Brighton
Whom nothing could possibly frighten
She plunged in the sea
And with infinite glee
Was punched by a playful old Triton.

There was a plump girl from Bryn Mawr
Who committed a dreadful faux pas;
She loosened a stay
On her decollete
Thus exposing he je ne sais quoi.

It always delights me at Hanks
To walk up the old river banks.
One time in the grass
I stepped on an ass
And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks!"

A naked young tort named Roselle
Walked the streets while ringing a bell
When asked why she rang it
She answered, "Goldang it!
Can"t you see I have something to sell?"

Said the mythical King of Algiers
To his harem assembled, "My dears,
You may think it odd of me
But I"m tired of sodomy
Tonight"s for you, ladies". (Loud cheers!)

A homely young harlot named Gert
Used to street walk until her corns hurt;
But now she just stands
Upside down on her hands
With her face covered up by her skirt.

A guy with a girl in a Fiat
Asked, "Where on earth is my key at?"
When he started to seek
She let out a shriek,
"That"s not where it"s likely to be at!"

There once was a fellow named Brett,
Loved a girl in his shiny Corvette;
We know it"s absurd
But the last we heard
They hadn"t untangled them yet.

Said a man of his small Morris Minor,
"For petting, it couldn"t be finer,
But for love"s consummation
A wagon called station
Would offer a playground deviner".

They sat in his little old Lloyd
Frustrated, and hot, and annoyed
But enough of palaver;
He attempted to have"er
And the car was entirely destroyed.

A fellow from old Copenhagen
Wooed a girl in his little Volkswagen;
But the damage was high:
The stick-shift in his eye,
And a gash from the dash in his noggin.

"It"s my custom" said dear lady Norris
"To beg lifts from the drivers of lorries
When they get out to piss
I see thing that I miss
At the wheel of my two-seater Morris".

There"s an over-sexed lady named Whyte
Who insist on a dozen a night
A fellow named Cheddar
Had the brashness to wed her -
His chance of survival is slight.

There was a young fellow named Wyatt
Who kept a big girl in the quiet
But down on the wharf
He kept also a dwarf
In case he should go on a diet.

"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis", said Chloe
"You have told me my bosom is snowy;
And made pretty verse on
Each part of my person -
Now DO something, won"t you, my boy?"

There was a young girl of Penzance
Who decided to take just one chance.
So she let herself go
In the arms of her beau;
Now all of her sisters are aunts.

There was a young lady of Maine
Who declared she"d a man on her brain
But you knew from the view
On her waist as it grew
It was not on her brain that he"d lain.

A buxom young typist named Baynes
At her work took particular pains
She was good in dictation
And long explanations
But she run more to bosom than brains.

A reckless young man from Fort Blainy
Made love to a spinster name Janie
When his friends said, "Oh, dear,
She"s so old and so queer",
He replied, "But the day was so rainy!"

The bashful young bachelor Cleary
Of girls was exceedingly leery;
Then a lady named Lou
Showed him how and with who
He could render his evenings more cherry.

There was a young lady from Thrace
Whose corsets grew too tight to lace
Her mother said, "Nelly,
There"s more in your belly
Than ever went in through your face!"

Three lovely young girls from St. Thomas
Attended dance-halls in pyjamas
They were fondled all summer
By sax, bass and drummer -
I"m surprised that by now they"re not mamas.

There was a young man of high station
Who was fond by a pious relation
Making love in a ditch
To - I won't say a bitch -
But a lady of NO reputation.

There was a young man from Toledo
Who traveled about incognito
The reason he did
Was to bolster his id
While appeasing his savage libido.

There was an old fellow of Lyme
Who lived with three wives at a time;
When asked, "Why the third?"
He replied, "One's absurd!
And bigamy, sir, is a crime".

World has come down from the Dean
That by use of the teaching machine
Old Oedipus Rex
Could have learned about sex
Without ever disturbing the Queen.

There was a young maid of Ostend
Who swore she"d hold out to end;
But, alas, halfway over
From Calais to Dover
She"d done what she didn"t intend.

An amoeba named Sam, and his brother
Where having a drink with each other;
In the midst of their quaffing
They split their sides laughing
And each of them now is a mother.

A newspaper writer named Fling
Could make copy from most anything
But the copy he wrote
Of a ten-dollar note
Was so good he is now in Sing-Sing.

There was a young fellow named Fife
Who had a big row with his wife
He lost half his nose
Two thirds of his toes
One ear, seven teeth - and his life.

A senora who strolled on the Corso
Displayed quite a lot of her torso
A crowd soon collected
And no one objected
Though some were in favor of more so.

Have you heard of knocked-kneed Sam Guzzum
And Samantha, his bow-legged Cousin?
There are some people say
That love finds a way,
But for Sam and Samantha it doesn"t.

There was a young lady named Hall,
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.

There was a young fellow called Hall,
Who fell in the spring in the fall;
'Twoud have been a sad thing,
Had he died in the spring,
But he didn't, he died in the fall.

There was a young fellow named Fisher
Who was fishing for fish in a fissure.
Then a cod with a grin,
Pulled the fisherman in...
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.

An amorous maiden antique
Kept a man in her house for a week.
He entered her door
With a shout and a roar,
But his exit was marked by a squeak.

A maiden at college called Breeze,
Weighed down by BAs and Litt.Ds,
Collapsed from the strain.
Alas it was plain,
She was killing herself by degrees.

There was a young fellow from Tyne
Put his head on the South-Eastern line;
But he died of ennui,
For the 5.53
Didn't come till a quarter past nine.

There was a young lady of Ryde
Who was carried too far by the tide.
Cried a man-eating shark,
"How's this for a lark?
I knew that the lord would provide".

There was an old man who averred
He had learned how to fly like a bird.
Cheered by thousands of people,
He leapt from the steeple -
This tomb states the date it occurred.

There once was a fellow called James,
Who liked to make puns and play games.
He liked limericks best,
And was never a pest,
But knew lots of folks with weird names.

There was a young girl from Madras
Who had a most beautiful ass
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think
But grey, with long ears, and ate grass.

There was a young man from Aberystwyth
Took a girl to his room to play whist with,
At the very first trick
He whipped out his prick
And united the organs they pissed with.

There was a young man from Woods Hole
Who had an affair with a mole
Though a bit of a nancy
He did like to fancy
Himself in the dominant role.

There was an old man of Devizes
Whose balls were of different sizes,
The one that was small
Was no use at all
But the other was huge and won prizes.

There once was a curate from Kew,
Who kept a black cat in a pew,
He taught it to speak
Alphabetical Greek,
But it never got further than mu.

An unfortunate fellow called Giles
Had the ugliest bottom for miles;
But a surgeon took pity
And made it quite pretty:
All dimples, and poutings, and smiles.

While Titian mixed his rose-madder
His model posed nude on a ladder;
Her position, to Titian,
Suggested coition
So he mounted the ladder, and had her.

Ethnologists up with the Sioux
Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
The answer, next day,
Said, "GIRLS ON THE WAY
BUT WHAT THE HELL'S A PANOE?"

There was a young man who said, "Damn!
It is borne upon me that I am
But a being that moves
In predestinate grooves -
I'm not even a bus, I'm a tram".

Anon., Idem, Ibid. and Trad.
Wrote much that is morally bad:
Some ballads, some shanties,
ALL poems on panties -
And limericks, too, one must add.

There was a young lady named Bright
Whose speed was far faster than light;
She went out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned the previous night.

An Anglican vicar in want
Of a second-hand portable font
Would exchange for the same
A portrait (with frame)
Of the bishop-elect of Vermont.

There was a young girl from Darjeeling
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
Not a murmur was heard,
Not a sound, not a word,
But the fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.

Concerning the bees and the flowers
In the fields and the gardens and bowers,
You will note at a glance
That their ways of romance
Haven't any resemblance to ours.

A passionate couple named Kelly
Mistook glue for petroleum jelly.
From kissing and hugging
To twisting and tugging
But still they stayed belly to belly.

There was a young fellow called Hyde
Who fell down a sewer and died.
His unfortunate brother
Fell down another
And now they're interred side by side.

Despite her impressive physique
Fatima was really quite meek;
If a mouse showed its head
She would jump into bed
With a terrible blood-curdling sheik.

Said a green cabin-dweller called Cade,
"Shit surely will bio-degrade
Since I've no indoor plumbing
When a crap is a-coming
I'll head for the woods with a spade".

There once was a man from U. Mass.
With testicles made out of brass.
When he banged them together
They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass.

There was a young miss from St. Paul
Who went to the newspaper ball
Her dress caught on fire
And exposed her entire
Front page, sporting section and all.

There once was a fellow called Nuttter
Who went for a shit in the gutter
The rays of the sun
Baptized his bare bum
And converted the shit into butter.

There once was a fellow from Boston
Who drove a diminutive Austin
It had room for his ass
And a thankful of gas
But his balls dangled out, and he lost 'em!

There was a young man of Japan
Whose limericks never would scan.
When they asked him why,
He said, with a sigh,
"It's because I always try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can".

There once was a man from Racine
Who built a fine screwing machine.
Concave or convex,
It would screw any sex.
But it was a bastard to clean.

There was a young man of Siam
Whose poetry never would scan.
He wrote a poem
About "Home, Sweet Home"
And the rhymes were lousy too.

There's a wonderful family Stein,
There's Gertrude, there's Ep, and there's Ein.
Gert's poetry's bunk,
Ep's statues are junk,
And no one can understand Ein.

A hillbilly farmer called Hollis
Used possums and snakes for his solace.
His offspring had scales
And prehensile tails
And voted for Govenor Wallace.

If intercourse gives you thrombosis
While continence causes neurosis,
I prefer to expire
Fulfilling desire
Than live on in a state of psychosis.

There once was a young man called Treet
Who minced as he walked down the street.
He wore shoes of bright red
And he playfully said,
"I may not be strong, but I'm sweet".

There was a young girl from St. Cyr
Whose reflex reactions were queer.
Her escort said, "Mabel
Get up off the table;
That money's to pay for the beer".

The was an old man of Khartoum
Who kept a giraffe in his room.
"It reminds me", he said,
"Of a friend who is dead,
But I cannot remember of whom".

Of a sudden the great prime donna
Cried, "Gawd, but my voice is a goner!"
But a cat in the wings
Said, "I know how she sings",
And finished the solo with honour.

An amorous M.A.
Said of Cupid, the C.D.,
"From their prodigal use
He Is, I deduce,
The John Jacob A.H."

If Leo your own birthday marks
You will lust until forty, when starts
A new pleasure in stamps,
Boy Scouts and their camps,
And fondling nude statues in parks.

There once was a lassie called Jeanie
Whose dad was a terrible meanie:
He fashioned a latch
And a hatch for her snatch
She could only be had by Houdini.

There was a young lady called Grace
Who had eyes in a very odd place.
She could sit on the hole
Of a mouse or a mole
And stare the beast square in the face.

I once thought a lot of a friend
Who turned out to be in the end
The southernmost part
(As I'd feared from the start)
Of a horse with a northerly trend.

The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

The limerick is furtive and mean;
You must keep it in close quarantine,
Or it sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene.

It needn't have ribaldry's taint
Or strive to make everyone faint.
There's a type that's demure
And perfectly pure
Though it helps quite a lot if it ain't.

The limerick, peculiar to English,
Is a verse-form that's hard to extinguish.
Once Congress in session
Decreed its supression
But people got around it by writing the last line without any rhyme or metre.

There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her heels in a doorway
And called to her man,
Sitting on the divan,
"Come quick, I've discovered one more way".

There was a young plumber of Leigh
Was plumbing a maid by the sea.
Said the maid, "Cease your plumbing,
I think someone's coming".
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"

The Rajah of Afganistan
Imported a Birmingham can
Which he set as a throne
On a great Buddha stone
But he crapped out of doors like a man.

A nubile young Nubian nun
Raised up her black habit for fun
But though she was bare
Underneath, none knew where
Nude nun ended and habit began.

A marvelous race are the Jocks
Who run whooping through glens in check frocks
For they say, "Wearing breeches
Makes it harder for leaks
And the philibeg leaves us free cocks".

There was a young lady of Chichester
Who made all the saints in their niches stir.
One morning at matins
Her breasts in white satin
Made the Bishop of Chichester's britches stir.

There was a young man from the coast
Who had an affair with a ghost.
At the height of orgasm
The fair ectoplasm
Said, "Ooh! I can feel it - almost".

She wasn't what you would call pretty,
And other girls offered her pity:
You would never have guessed
That her Wasserman test
Involved half the men of the city.

A pansy who came from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
She said, "Settle one thing
Now, before we begin,
Who does what, and with which, and to whom?"

It was just as I feared it would be
I sat next to the duchess at tea
Her rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal
And everyone thought it was me.

There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose prick was so long that it bent,
To save himself trouble
He put it in double -
And instead of coming, he went,

There was a young woman from Devon
Was raped in a garden by seven
High Anglican priests,
The lascivious beasts.
Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.

A habit both vile and unsavoury
Kept the Bishop of Oxford in slavery.
With bestial howls
He would bugger young owls
Which he kept in an underground aviary.

There was a young man from St. Just
Who, consumed with erotical lust,
Raped the Bishop's prize fowls,
His precious young owls,
And a little green lizard, what bust.

From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles.
Said the vicar, "Good Gracious!
Has Brother Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"

There was a young lady from Crewe
Who said, as the curate withdrew,
"I'll stick to the Vicar
He's slicker and quicker
And three inches thicker than you".

A Christian Scientist from Theale
Said, "Though I know pain isn't real,
When I sit on a pin
And it punctures my skin
I dislike what I fancy I feel".

A pretty young girl from Djakarta
Was widely acclaimed as a farter:
At the African sports
Her explosive reports
Brought her widespread acclaim as a starter.

There was a young man from Adair
Was having his girl on the stair
At the twenty-first stroke
The banister broke
So he finished her off in the air.

There was a young lady called Jane
Who liked a fuck now and again.
Not just now and again
But NOW! and AGAIN!
And AGAIN! and AGAIN! and AGAIN!

The tits of a harlot called Dale
Were tattooed with the price of her tail,
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in Braille.

There was a young Scot named McAmiter
Who bragged of excessive diameter;
Yet it wasn't the size
That opened their eyes
But the rhythm - trochaic hexameter.

There was a young curate called Binns
Who preached about Heaven and things;
But his secret desire
Was a boy in the choir
With a bottom like jelly on springs.

There was a young man of Rangoon
Whose farts could be heard on the Moon
When you'd least expect 'em
They'd burst from his rectum
With the force of a raging typhoon.

An innocent lass from Cape Cod
Believed that a child came from God:
But t'was not the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie
It was Roger the lodger, the sod.

There once was a fellow named Newt
Who had nine fine warts on his root.
He put acid on these
And now, when he pees,
Newt tootles his root like a flute.

There was a young fellow called Rex
With diminutive organs of sex:
Arraigned for exposure
He said with composure,
"De minimis non curat lex".

A handsome young fellow called Fisk
Was at fucking exceedingly brisk,
So fast was his action
Fitzgerald contraction
Foreshortened his prick to a disc.

A lovely young actress called Ransome
Was raped seven times In a hansom;
As she clamoured for more
Came a voice from the floor,
"The name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson".

A policeman from North Clapham Junction
Whose penis had long ceased to function
Deceived his good wife
For the rest of her life
By the use of his constable's truncheon.

It's a favorite project of mine
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3
For it's simpler, you see,
Then 3.14159.

There was a young man who said, "God
Must find it exceedingly odd
To see that this tree
Still continues to be
When there's no-one about in the quad".

Dear Sir, Your astonishment's odd;
I am always about in the quad;
And that's why the tree
Still continues to be
Since observed by, Yours faithfully, God.

A book and a jug and a dame,
And a nice cosy nook for the same;
"And I don't care a damn",
Said Omar Khayyam,
"What you say, it's a great little game".

It's said that Medusa was celibate
And stayed that way just for the hell of it.
But the feminine organ
Of this famous Gorgon
Had snake-bites where each scaly fella bit.

The ancients' enigma, old Zeno,
Adjourned to a gambling casino.
He successfully proved
That the wheel never moved
And won every roulette game in Reno.

There's an orchestra playing in Beale
Whose conductor is far from ideal.
To conclude a sonata,
He starts the fermata,
Then leaves for a seven-course meal.

There was a young lady named Harris
Whom nothing could ever embarrass
'Til the salts that she shook
In the bath that she took
Turned out to be Plaster of Paris.

In Wall Street a girl called Irene
Made an offering somewhat obscene;
She stripped herself bare
And offered a share
To Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner & Bean.

There was a young fellow of Buckingham
Who stood on the old bridge at Uckingham
Watching the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em.

A remarkable race are the Persians
With many erotic diversions.
They make love all day
In the regular way,
And save up the nights for perversions.

There once was a virgin of Siam
Who said to her lover, young Klam,
"If you take-me, of course,
You must do it by force,
But God knows you are stronger than I am".

There was a young lady named Smith
Whose virtue was mostly a myth.
She said, "Try as I can,
I can't find a man
Who it's fun to virtuous with".

There was once a monarch of Spain
Who was terribly haughty and vain;
When women were nigh
He'd unbutton his fly
And have them with sneers of disdain.

A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude
Saw a man come along
And, unless I am wrong,
You expected this line to be rude.

A tone-deaf old person from Tring
When somebody asked him to sing,
Replied, "It is odd
But I cannot tell 'God
Save the Weasel' from 'Pop Goes the King'".

An old archeologist, Throstle,
Discovered a marvelous fossil
He knew from its bend
And the knob on the end
'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.

There was a young curate of Salisbury
Whose manners were halisbury-scalisbury.
He walked about Hampshire
Without any pampshire
Till the vicar compelled him to walisbury.

There once was a girl from Revere
So enormously large that, oh dear,
Far out on the ocean
Byrd raised a commotion
By planting our flag on her rear.

There was a young girl of Odessa
Was a rather unblushing transgressor;
When sent to the priest
The lewd little beast
Began to undress her confessor.

There was a young lady of Kent
Who said that she knew what it meant
When men asked her to dine,
Gave her cocktails and wine:
She knew what it meant - but she went!

A daring young lady of Guam
Observed, "The Pacific's so calm
I'll swim out for a lark".
But she met a large shark.
Let us now sing the Ninetieth Psalm.

I wish that my room had a floor;
I don't care so much for a door;
But walking around
Without touching the ground
Is getting to be quite a bore.

There was an old man of Dundee
Who molested an ape in a tree.
The result was quite horrid
All arse and no forehead,
Three balls and a purple goatee.

There was a young lady called Anna,
Who decided she'd like a pianna.
Her mother said, "No",
But bought her a po,
Saying, "Now you can have a pee, Anna".

A famous theatrical actress
Played best as a bad malefactress;
Yet her home life was pure
Except, to be sure,
A scandel or two, just for practice.

A venturesome three-week old chamois
Strayed off in the woods from his mamois,
And might have been dead
But some picknickers fed
Him with sandwiches, milk and salamois.

There was a young man from the city
Who met what he thought was a kitty.
He gave it a pat
And said, "Nice little cat".
They buried his clothes, out of pity.

A lady, while dining at Crewe,
Found an elephant's whang in the stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
Or wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too".

A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire names out of malice.
While that worthy had fits
The team made eight hits
And a girl In the bleachers named Alice.

There was a young lady from Cham
Who smiled as she entered a tram.
When she had embarked
The conductor remarked,
"Your fare" and she said, "Yes, I am".

There was a young fellow called Binn
Who was so excessively thin
That when he essayed
To drink lemonade
He slipped through the straw and fell in.

You must get it up, to begin.
Or else, you will not get it in.
If you will allow
I will just show you how:
Keep your head down - and aim for the pin.

A lady called Marie-Christine
One day on the ski-slopes was seen
Lift fees were so high
That she said with a sigh,
"By the evening I hadn't a bean!"

To a person arriving in Heaven
Said St. Peter, "We dine, sharp, at seven,
Then breakfast's at eight,
Never mind if you're late,
And there's biscuits and milk at eleven".

To compose a sonata today
Do not do it the usual way:-
Take your seat on the keys
Jump about as you please.
"Oh! How modern!" the critics will say.

An engineer peripatetic
Endowed with a keen sense esthetic
Drank beer in most places
Except U.S. bases
"For their beer", said he, "is pathetic".

There once was a statement of mission,
Of energy, fusion, and fission,
The words were just fine,
In fact, quite divine,
But the content was met with derision.

There was a young man from Bombay
Making fireworks one fine Summer's day
But he dropped his cigar
In the gunpowder jar.
There was a young man from Bombay.

There once was a hermit named Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
And though I'll admit
That it did stink a bit,
Just think of the money he saved!

There was an old miser named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
She had only one tit
And smelled just like shit
But think of the money he saved.

Little Jack Horner sat in his corner
Playing with his grandma's twat
Stuck in his pinky,
Got it all stinky
And said, "Damn, you're beginning to rot!"

There once was a woman named Kit
Who kept a dead lover named Brit
I don't care if he reeks
After all of these weeks
But I'm madder than Hell that he split!

There was a young lady from Greeling,
Who once had a very fine feeling,
She laid on her back,
Fingered her crack,
And pissed all over the ceiling!

There was a young lady from Gallus,
Who used a dynamite stick for a phallus,
They found her vagina,
In North Carolina,
And her asshole at Buckingham Palace!

There was a young man from Strensil
Whose point was a s sharp as a pencil
On the night of his wedding
It went clean through the bedding
And shattered the chamber untensil.

There once was a lady from Niger,
Who had an affair with a Tiger.
The result of the fuck
Was a bald headed duck,
Two gnats, and a circumcized spider.

There lived a young virgin called Heidi
Whose box was always kept tidy
There lived not a mortal
Who could enter her portal
She's waiting for God almighty.

There was a girl named Tropp
Who impaled her cunt on a mop
After thrusting away
The better part of a day
She rolled around in the slop.

Heather, that nasty little troll
Owned an abnormally large hole
Her twat was so wide
Into it I'd slide
4 fingers and a telephone pole.

A city boy named Matt
Came over to suck off my cat
I asked if he drank
He smiled cat-wank
He didn't swallow, he spat.

There was a young wife from Nantucket,
Who was told by her husband to suck it,
As she got on her knees,
She said, "Darling please,
This time can we use a bucket?"

There once was a man from South Bend -
Talked sodomy down, to a friend.
Then up spoke a dude,
"Sir, you say it is rude
But you'll find it is fun in the end".

There was an old man from Nantucket,
Who's dick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it".

There once was a fellow named Dingus
Who really enjoyed cunnilingus.
One day after snackin'
He misplaced his napkin
And wiped off his face with his fingas.

There was an old man from Stamboul,
Who soliloquised thus to his tool:
You've taken my wealth,
And ruined my health.
And now you won't _pee_, you old fool!

There was a sweet thing from Champlain
Who grants sexual favors insane.
You'd think that she'd laugh
At a buck and a half,
But you don't hear the tourists complain!

There once was a girl from Madrass
Who had a magnificent ass.
Not pretty and pink
As you probably think,
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

There once was a munk from Siberia,
Whose habits were rather inferiour.
He had don to a nun
What non should have done.
So now, she's Mother Superiour.

On the chest of a barmaid from Hale
Were inscribed all the prices of ale.
Whilst on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Were precisely the same, but in Braille.

A horny young man named Swallow
Told a girl as they kissed in a hollow,
"Did you know that my dick
Is three inches thick?"
She said, "Gee thats a hard one to swallow".

There once was a young man named Enos,
Who had a sixteen inch long penis.
Two hookers named Claire,
Said, "Sir, if we share,
We'll still have eight inches between us!"

There was a young woman named Liza
Whose tits were of different sizes.
One was so small,
It was hardly at all,
But the other was large and won prizes.

An old New York Met named Tom Seaver,
Was once rendered impotent by fever.
He said with dismay,
"I don't like it this way,
It kills my desire for beaver".

There once was a man from Belair
Who was fucking his wife on the stair
When the bannister broke
He redoubled his stroke
And finished the job in mid-air

There once was a man from Tashkent
Who's prick was all buckled and bent
To save himself trouble
He put it in double
And instead of cuming he went.

There once was a girl named Lisa
Whose ass I wanted a piece-a
She got on her knees
Said, "do what you please,
I take Mastercard and Visa".

There once was a young lady from Heath
Who circumsized young men with her teeth
She said with a grin,
"It's not for the skin
But rather the cheese underneath".

Old mrs. Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To give her poor dog a bone
When she bent over
The dog took over
And gave her a bone of his own.

There once was a Bishop of Birmingham
Who'd bugger young boys while confirming 'em
While studying Jobe
He'd lift up his robe
And pump episcopal sperm in 'em.

There is a man from St. Ira
He came here to find ya.
His name was billy
He had a big willy
That he would like to stick inside ya.

There's no call for your rhymes, neat and dapper?
And you can't afford paper or wrapper?
For the poetic soul,
Broke, on the dole,
There is always the wall in the crapper.

She stood in her splendor, quite nude:
Said blind Justice, "My hearing's grown crude;
When they said, `Election'
I mis-heard `Erection'
But I guess either way I got screwed!"

There once was a man from Winsocket
Who stuck his cock in a socket.
Then some son of a bitch
Turned on the switch.
And he went up like a rocket.

When lawyers dine out, don't you know,
They have split-fee soup, just for show.
They dazzle their guest
And I can attest
That the entree is broiled squid pro quo.

There once was a schemer named Ponzi
Who annoyed some crude poets on Sundy
They flamed at his post
But what hurt him the most
Was that nobody sent him their mon, see?

Of mad cow's disease, said Cow 1,
"No harm can ever be done
To me or to you".
"Why's that?" asked Cow 2.
"We're frogs!" said the first, "Ain't that fun?"

The second cow thought, "Is it true?
Then color my green hide all blue!
For we've big baggy udders
Instead of webbed rudders,
And in place of a ribbet we moo".

There was a young lady of Kent,
Who always said just what she meant;
People said, "She's a dear,
So unique, so sincere",
But they shunned her by common consent.

A farmer once called his cow 'Zephyr',
She seemed such a lovable heifer.
When the farmer drew near
She kicked on his ear
And now he is very much deafer!

There was an old lady from Herm,
Who tied bows on the tail of a worm;
She said, "You look festive
But don't become restive
You'll wriggle 'em off if you squirm".

There's a clever old miser who tries
Every method to e-con-o-mize.
He said with a wink,
"I save gallons of ink
By simply not dotting my i's".