Today, morning I have woken up and has seen remarkable dream. Dream that all people are happy and live in the consent, that nobody is at war, that everyone helps the one whom at all does not know. Around the world, cleanliness and harmony.
I have decided{*solved*} to open the diary and to write down there dream. I have thought, that the record in my diary will be necessary for me. You see I can read е ё, when I will have what that problem or will begin sincere терзания. Then I descended{*went*} has washed, has cleaned teeth, was washed in soul, has shaved and has recollected that today September 15, 1936. I was happy to that that has risen at one o"clock before usual and the neighbours ещ ё slept.
Though it is usual Пётр Семенович Потапов rose before me. Probably it{*he*} rose before me because it{*he*} the professor of a history at the Leningrad university of a history and philosophy. And it{*he*} should rise very much early what to check up all works of the pupils. You see in the afternoon to the professor, the time frequently did not suffice.
But today it{*him*} was lucky{*carried*}, it{*he*} can have a sleep even at one o"clock more more, than usually.
I from крыл a window leaf, and from there have gone a pleasant autumn wind. From a window пахло in the autumn. Business in that that I live on окраине of Leningrad,, near to a wood. And from my window the small old church is visible. Each day there there passes a morning and evening service. It is pleasant very much to me when in this church play bells. And батюшка leaves in the beautiful order and will carry out{*spend*} a service.
Always it was pleasant to me, how the clerics speak., how they make words the history, history ancient Руси is felt. The clerics make the speech so beautifully that at me in soul the holiday begins. When I came into church, it seemed, that I am somewhere in Kiev, in is temporary Kiev Руси. Yes, in those is temporary meaning{*importance*} of church was very large. When the people had something good they went in church. And when something bad too in church also were asked for native, close and friends. Well and when any enemy набегал on Русь, the people were hidden in church. The people asked кочевых воинов, to not burn and to not destroy church. Then at the people all hope was on church and on good Prince.
Looking on this church I understand that the world has changed, but is
Still people. For which the church means so much, as then.
When I look on this church that I, as though I come back in the dream. And I understand one more thing, the high-grade country can not exist without church. Because the church is both life and death. When the child is born, it{*him*} christen in church. When the man dies, over it{*him*} read the burial service in church, and then bury. Without church the normal existence is impossible. And if е ё is not present that the natural order of things is broken. You see Библия with church edify by useful advice{*council*} and simply help to go on life. Still she{*it*} helps to distinguish kindness from evil. Learns{*teaches*} to decide{*solve*} vital problems. Helps to understand who we is in this life. The church всиляет веру in itself and in the forces and hope that all will be good. The people so are arranged, that they should in something be trusted. Very sadly that of my opinion our leader Иосиф Весарионович Сталин does not divide{*share*}.
I атеист. But on that that I want to trust in the god, that is why that I was born in very difficult time. At first Русско-Japanese war, then war with немцами, well and then revolution and civil war. Yes, heavy there was a time. My father has picked up a typhus in окопах, during war with немцами, and not up to is alive before revolution has died. So the childhood at me was heavy. I was born in 1903, so thirty three years will be speed to me.
Having looked on hours, and then in a window on church, at me the bad presentiment has appeared, that there will be a tragedy. Having looked on hours of second time I have understood that I should already be going on work.
I have dressed black носки, white shirt, black брюки and black jacket, the black portofolio has taken, has left an apartment, accurately what to not wake the neighbours has closed a door. By a unique{*sole*} means of transport, with which to my work was possible to reach there was a tram. The truth up to the nearest stop of a tram from my house, is necessary to go on foot of minutes 50. Дойдя up to the remote stop and sowing in a tram семьнадцотого number, I long thought that could mean this presentiment. Variants that there could be a set, but all of them were or наивными and primitive or completely absurd and completely crazy. Though presentiment before any of bad event to me has seemed very strange. Especially, earlier at me never in life was neither bad, nor good presentiment. Now I roofing felt to thought, that can happen and as far as it dangerously for me. Variants there was a sea, from bloody war in which I погибну, up to perfect{*completely*} жуткого of flood. Than that it is worse in my head did not come.
While I went in a tram, at me the feeling of a hopelessness and sensation of feebleness, so not characteristic for me has appeared.
I work as the local doctor, in the Central area of city and I have got used to help, to advise to the people and even to console them. When I understood that my patients are incurably sick, I inspired them hope, spoke that вс ё it will be good and calmed of their themes, that at us the very good doctors, though knew that the days of these people are considered. But I considered{*counted*} necessary to inspire hope to the patient, and maximum to facilitate his{*its*} sufferings. I realized, that these people, will not know at all from what illness they will die. Though I am possible acted not correctly, and heated in hearts of the people hope, which any more was not. Probably it is severe, but other variant at me and was not, and as a matter of fact truth to whom was not necessary, you see medical secret превыше only.
At times patients pumped up by drugs, and spoke that they go on the amendment, when they needed to live literally some days.
But I think, that at times, that illusive hope which we - doctors, give incurably to patients to the patients, it happens at times them is even not necessary. The people, before death want the truth, and we deprive them even of this modest request. And all of us gave an oath Гиппократа, and at times we act, so it is not honour and not патриотично.
What pain and tragedy at the relatives, they understand what not than can not help the close man and should look at last days of the man, close to them, them{*him;it*} to have врать to the relative, that that would die with the happy person. Yes, it is possible severely, but the feeling неизведоннасти and absolute feebleness, you see while I meal in a tram is even worse, new tragedy somewhere arises. I am sure that I can not е ё to stop, but I am afraid that I, I can even affect on ё! And it is intolerable!
In hospital, on Лиговском 16 I have seen much, but мо ё hardly ё prompted me, that it that in представленние with that that happen today.
Today terrible day! The patients came a little, I served them not willingly, because I knew, that I so was afraid already of has taken place, and to affect it I as could not. Incurably patients of the patients, at me today at all was not. At me even was gone of appetite, and I have not gone to a restaurant. As it is strange, but me вс ё became indifferent, it is boring and not interesting. The today"s dream seem to me silly and дурацким. And the desire to write down it{*him*} in a diary, seemed ещ ё to more stupid{*blunt*} and наивным. And I completely have realized, that today I have lived зря. All my problems, now seem to me silly and absurd. And in a head I had one idea, вс ё that today has taken place, I am guilty in all, and is not present to me оправданья. Now I am very good осозновал, that an ideal society{*community*} was not and never will be. And the ideal society{*community*}, is all on all not сбыточная dream, simple people.
With any immorally cynical feeling, I have gone home. I felt Иудой and last подонком. I had sensation, that I live as not so, that potential I растрачевую зря. And the idea on that that this feeling remain at me for ever, caused horror. At that moment I ещ ё did not realize that I live without sense in life. At me in a head even the idea has flashed, about that that such, as I spoil the Soviet society{*community*}. Actually I blamed myself for what I did not make. To me was тошно from an idea, that the majority of the Soviet citizens live by such life, as I. I on the sly was mad.
When I approached{*suited*} to the house, I was captured by(with) an alarm. But I worried not for myself. It was more than strange .Затем I зошел in smart and has opened by a key, door of the apartment, I was struck with silence facing in four room, municipal apartments. Александра Никифоровна, Гриша Словецкий and Пётр Семенович looked at me испепеляющим by a sight.
Иуда! Shout Александра Никифоровна.
I am amazed stood also anything, did not understand.
One Антон Гульков, stood silently, artfully smiled and ironically at me looked. I understood, what not спроста.
It is necessary to notice that Гриша Словецкий., Александра Никифоровна and Пётр Семёнович not looking on партийность, there were deeply believing people. Well and Антон Гульков by real атеистом.
And church yours will demolish! - it{*he*} joyfully has informed.
So here has taken place? - is frightened I have asked.
There came the people, collected the signatures on снос and not снос of church. Your vote could be decisive{*deciding*}, four votes would suffice that church have demolished! - has told Гриша.
Now I have understood, about what was мо ё a presentiment!
To whom шала this church? I ask myself.
The church is hope. Us of this hope have deprived.
Not for a long time people went in church, shined{*covered*} apples, куличи, but now it seems not possible{*probable*}. For someone the church is life, means someone have deprived of sense of life. There is nobody now to help the people, to give hope. Now, it in the past. Now I would like to appear during petition, what вс ё to change. And that now will be with the people which work in church ...
Speak, the time treats, but personally in it is trusted hardly.
At the night I long was tormented by(with) a sleeplessness and I could not fall asleep.
The truth under morning I have fallen asleep. The next evening, I have returned from work and has decided{*solved*} slightly to take a walk. The church any more was not!
Old бабка from the next entrance has told me that church have blown up equally in five.
Now вс ё was not so! Вс ё it was boring, is artificial and is tense, and main there was no church.
When I have returned. The neighbours have told to me, that Антон Гульков was shot. It{*he*} was shot on kitchen.
It{*he*} was the latent man, and I a little that about it{*him*} know.
But to tell the truth of reasons to be shot at him{*it*} was not.