Тимофеев Вячеслав Владимирович
Aron Stepanyan Quake

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  Quake
  Toad
  "A nasty cane toad has groped this Irish Setter" the constable expressed this odd assumption while
  touching the dog with a gloved hand. It was getting dark. I spun around myself and called for a doggy
  ambulance.
  Shabbos goy
  Putting the Party membership card on the table, he laid down his life as a brave man.
  Modest"s mice
  Modest"s true joy was fishing. In the summer, he angled carps from the river. He had no job and was a
  confirmed bachelor. He took over his father"s entire household; every once in a while, sewage collectors
  came to clean the latrine. Modest noticed that he was running out of supplies. There was an old skete next
  to his house. He blamed the monk - he must be the one stealing his eggs and cereal grains. After filing a
  report with the police, Modest had finally calmed down. After conducting an investigation, the district
  police officer found that Modest had a mice infestation - they came from the old skete. The policeman
  saluted him and advised him to get a cat. Modest got himself a cat, and the problem was solved.
  No way to die
  It"s time to begin resuscitation measures.
  Duck call
  Having lost the duck call, I crossed the Rubicon.
  Crutch
  An old man spent a long time making a crutch, but it was considered a cold weapon by the police and
  they confiscated it.
  Residual
  My car ran out of horsepower. I came home after a spring drizzle, with the first rays of the sun.
  Motley Fool
  The motley fool teased, horsed around, rang bells, but always stayed sober.
  Gallery
  In the gallery, the guide asked me, "Do you have a second?" I looked down on him and replied in
  Hebrew, "Lo." The tour group stopped at the "Halley"s Comet". I had to find a bathroom, so I ran,
  drawing dark lines on the floor with my old boots.
  Dupe
  I was a real dupe a few times back when I was a taxi driver in Kazakhstan. In the first ten days of January,
  some broke young people exploited my accommodating nature.
  Gold star
  The golden star in cold outer space went skidding.
  Colloquium
  Topic: "Dark Fates and the Bluing of Steel."
  The birds and the bees
  The pupil chalked "A pecker and a borehole" on the blackboard.
  Foul-mouthed personnel
  Blew it out of the water and the ice.
  MC Carpenter
  Solely a teetotaler.
  Mysterious incident
  I always wear a shoulder holster. Makarov pistol versus a dirk, a pocketknife and a stiletto on a public
  transport.
  Ruse
  Flapping, stomping, whistling and other defects.
  Drifting
  When it comes to drifting, the essentials are the seals, piston rings, and bearings.
  Lenin on the Volga
  I tossed a gold coin to the cab driver, and in a drunken stupor shouted, "Go!". Beside me sat Lena"s son,
  now a full-grown man.
  Heart
  The heart wants what it wants, one can lose it accidentally, but cannot bring it back.
  Apocalypse on the Moon
  All laws have been passed. There is nothing left to discover. The progress has stopped. We"re not short
  on time. The girls are catching losers en masse.
  Kerosene stove
  The place of light and warmth was close by. The water on the kerosene stove started to boil. I put a big
  sack of apples in the corner and checked the level of kerosene in the bottle. I wore a leather coat, in one
  pocket I had the Atheist"s Handbook, in the other - "Wave-particle Duality" by Mikhail Lomonosov. I let
  my thoughts wander and drifted off to sleep.
  Prolek Ltd
  My grandfather was offered a position of a shareholder in a drug manufacturing business. The company
  was made up entirely of men and located in an old two-story building, under a dome. It was more of a
  spiritual corporation. My grandfather accepted the position and his legacy lives on.
  Gates of Hell
  Feast or famine.
  Nuke-drug
  Saline moisturizing cream for contact lenses.
  Creepy-crawly
  Without a passport, you"re a whelp. At best, a person with no place of residence.
  Me pistachio
  And I shall be consumed by fire.
  Confidant
  I was introduced to the Don. I slowly walked over to him and kissed his ring. "Don, I need your
  patronage!" I asked. He gave a confirming nod.
  Bacillus
  I didn"t have the grit, that bacillus that makes one a real Man.
  Potter"s wheel
  The potter was a little nutty. An elder came into his workshop. The potter mumbled to him, "You can"t
  even imagine what forces I have to battle", the elder answered, "Heaven forfend!".
  Eyewashing
  The peaceful atom and the "Moon" dog will not dock.
  Reality
  Reality bites - it hits you where it hurts with a wrought metal boot.
  Metalhead
  The metalhead wore patchwork jeans, a braid with a dark elastic band, and a conductor"s key.
  Conscripted volunteer
  No barriers exist for him and "I can't" just isn"t in his vocabulary.
  Crafty bastard
  A crafty bastard went where no mortal had trodden.
  Witch"s circle
  Gray matter and flat geometry.
  Binge drinking
  A tangle of contradictions and a suitcase without a handle.
  Good news
  You won"t hear it on TV or radio, you won"t read it in the morning papers, and you"ll only find it in
  certain government-sponsored "not-so-distant" places.
  Quantum of Mercy
  I won"t extend my hand to cops or journalists.
  Blue screen
  The blue screen went black, and I had to hit the streets like everyone else to grind and earn a living.
  Sovietland
  Who"s the fall guy?
  Iron fist
  It kept me in line.
  Nitwit
  Was ready to twirl his thumbs for a bottle.
  Wind rose
  With the wind in my favor, I slept peacefully on the left bank.
  Rear end
  My hope and my cushion.
  Lost sheet
  A slurry of bad habits.
  Safety precautions II
  Before use: cherish and pamper.
  May the wind be always at your hunched back
  I knew Slava better than I know myself - he was a good egg. At the tombstone, I peeled and scattered
  half of the boiled egg by the fence. The epitaph on the monument read "Here lies Slava - and all his
  deeds died with him".
  To paradise on a vampire bat
  The moon was turning blood red, my girlfriend was wearing dark lingerie, and I realized that tonight I
  would be in paradise.
  Shaggy bumblebee - onto fragrant hops
  Detective Yudov stated, "Bumblebees, schoolgirls and perverts began to disappear in the city."
  Off with the head
  The ambassador to Turkey said, "The American curators are scratching their chicken noses."
  Screw
  The screw sat in his cushy spot, his beak gaping wide as he crunched on peelings.
  FujiFilm
  Here"s the gist - "If someone in the film is doing well, it means someone else is doing really badly."
  Great solvent
  The development of all life forms has been blocked. Everyone was enjoying themselves and dissolving
  into each other. There was no sugar, salt, nor matches.
  Biting flies
  They protected the night sky from the blue glare.
  Flashback
  Violating the rule of swapping like for like, key for key.
  Head first
  I got into sheol in the most uncomfortable position, head first. The sun mercilessly scorched the suburbs,
  surrounded by towering apartment blocks and crooked TV antennas. I stepped inside the apartment with
  yellow wallpaper on every corner, the kind that makes you want to puke. It was unbearable, and so I
  cracked open a bottle of Stolichnaya...
  Captain Seliverstov
  Here lies Captain Seliverstov. Always prepared for battle. Determined and unlucky.
  Asimov rifle
  Сleaves straight through three axes.
  Galaxy on the Polar Bear
  We must avert the crisis in the infinite lands, where Ursa Major and Ursa Minor dwell, and the galaxy
  rests upon the Polar Bear...
  Dagger of Darkness
  Sharpened and with focal alignment.
  Pub
  Knife-throwing is a risky business, don"t let your lady be the target.
  Left-hand traffic
  Dear Sirs, your vehicles are blocking my pigs" route.
  Question for the Antichrist
  Available for "friendship" girls; origins and economic consequences.
  Humanity
  I started to lose my humanity, so I issued an open invitation to kiss my ass.
  Obtaining citizenship
  I recognize mova as a language of a great power state.
  Secret weapon
  In a purse, that looks like an old stocking. Along with the coppers. Two conjoined hazelnuts lie as one.
  Belt
  Belt conquers all.
  To the Guardians of Halakha
  Refrain from breaking the law.
  Two paths of glory
  I had two paths of glory, either the deprivation of the Motherland or the excommunication from the
  Church. And I started on the third path - Brownian motion.
  Commander
  He flies on the back of an eagle.
  Memento mori
  My antipode began to act.
  Inventor
  Bytes and vodka "Husky" - lunch of the inventor.
  Pavlovo Posad shawl
  The girl put on a Pavlovo Posad shawl and ended up in the Islamic state.
  Director
  A walking, talking rectal thermometer.
  Melted ice cream
  The old man was shaking from the sheer number of scumbags on the streets. The doctor prescribed him
  melted ice cream as treatment.
  Avogadro constant
  One unbearably hot summer day, Avogadro constant rained on the Russian population.
  Good man
  A stranger asked me, "Good man, what do you have in your net?" I replied, "I have a beer, some fish, and
  a can of condensed milk."
  Old sheaf-drying barn
  We fooled around and killed some time in the old sheaf-drying barn in the woods.
  Coryphaeus
  The colorblind and the crooks.
  Treacherous servant
  The son of my mom"s friend.
  Firefly
  A firefly in a storage tube, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
  Heroes in flip-flops
  Dunderheads, dopes, and dullards.
  Hobby-horse
  My neighbor is missing a few gears in his head; we"re two horses who missed the starting gate.
  Third World country
  The capital"s residents grew numb to the attacks and provocations.
  Short and Tall
  Turning a blind eye to criminals only invites disaster.
  Forgotten rivers
  The Titovka was a shallow river. It is now beneath the ground.
  Return to Eden
  Adam and Eve stepped out of Eden nude, wearing fig leaves, knowing everything. Adam and Eve
  returned to Eden nude, wearing sunglasses, knowing nothing.
  I fired the president
  I fired the president for slang and professional incompetence.
  Spiritual staples
  They made some adjustment to my bolts and brackets and tightened the spiritual staples.
  Vestigiality
  We felt free, under someone else"s vestigial organ.
  Guy with the hockey stick
  They used to call me that on the streets. Before the police confiscated my hockey stick. I got a parental
  slap across the face afterwards.
  Wedge
  A successful young man thrives on parties, fights, auto races, and then he loses his mistress, his job, and
  some other minor things.
  Why the poodle and not the rabbit?
  Why do you listen to the poodle and not the rabbit? A question for the state officials and the military.
  Maghreb Warlock
  A warlock was fighting with me. The usual type, dressed all in black, with a full, thick beard, covered in
  filth. He pulled a hair out of his beard and croaked, "Sim sala bim". I turned around and kicked him in the
  Our house is decrepit
  It"s held with spit and baling wire.
  Estimation
  Everything added up.
  Count Alexandrov
  Count Alexandrov was the arithmetic teacher in our class. Tall, thin, with a cleft lip. I was late for my
  class. "Stepanyan, take this bucket and go to the water-pump! Besides, I have already marked your
  absence on attendance sheet", he said. I took the bucket and went to get my dog, Sharik. I put him on a
  leash and we ran off to the woods to find truffles.
  Goiter and a hand of a man
  I was called in to have a conversation with a certain woman. Allegedly, she was possessed by a demon.
  She spoke crudely. As I approached her, I saw male manifestations on her body. She grew a large goiter
  and the set of disproportionate bones pierced the skin on her right arm. After reading the holy script, I
  asked her to untie her corset. I washed her feet with water and olive oil, and advised her to dress in dull
  colors and avoid wearing necklaces, beads and hair clips. Soon enough she began to sing by herself, and
  the demon left her.
  Old sorcery
  I opened my mouth and cursed. The old black man, whacking a triangle, called everyone to lunch. I was
  the first to have my teeth counted, and my companion was the second. Right after he had lunch.
  Crones and financial experts
  The conflict has escalated to the point where crones and financial experts are fighting.
  Voltage stabilizer
  One, two, three, "Let"s light up the Christmas tree!"
  Freckled boy
  I figured, that the crocodile had swallowed the Sun again.
  Buddy
  My buddy at the bottom of the lake herds the bait: hapless fishermen and pompous birds.
  TV
  May both the Heaven and the Earth beings kneel before it.
  Fall flat on his face
  The Black Prince over the horizon.
  The Captain"s daughter
  The captain"s car - a cherry-red VAZ-2109 was stolen. He put on his cap and rubber boots, squatted
  down and lit a cigarette. His daughter called and said, "I"m fine". The captain replied, "You"re not my
  daughter anymore."
  Rocket Man
  Base, superstructure, spark.
  Land of Love
  It lay beyond the farthest mark on the Fahrenheit scale.
  Cesspool
  I ended up in a cesspool with politicians and philanthropists. I jumped out of it like a bat out of Hell.
  North side
  The north wind blew fiercely. I scanned for tactical maneuver to establish windward advantage.
  Enemy from within
  Up to anything - if I get fed.
  Slaughterhouse
  These are pimps, drug dealers, pedophiles.
  Novel
  When security collided with recklessness, the love story unfurled.
  Gustokvashino
  We lived on a schedule and always waited for the first trolleybus on the line.
  Mount Elbrus
  A place of pilgrimage for skiers and mountain climbers - where countless boots have scratched the
  ground.
  Olezhan
  Olezhan went downhill.
  Ditch
  From the cradle to the grave.
  Poker game
  I have two pair.
  Dark fates
  To strive, to seek, to find, and hide again.
  Save this evening
  Forestall the dawn by any means.
  Stiletto
  I anticipated that the blow of mercy with a stiletto was going to become my rock bottom, until the
  hammer answered from below.
  Obscurant
  Smokes two packs a day.
  Bay-brown
  My bay-brown horse tripped and we couldn"t catch the steam locomotive.
  3-line rifle
  Fire, lead and brass pipes.
  Damn old hags
  They nitpick, weave oaths, and catch snowflakes with their tongues.
  Lackey
  I served as a lackey for a Russian nobleman, until I was dismissed. My masters decided that lackeys are
  just taking up oxygen, and therefore, the society had no need of them.
  Kumbi-Tracy
  My godfather and godmother were my next of kin: my guides in life and my moral compass. I lived at
  their house as a guest. As they say, blood is thicker than water. That was before the fire destroyed their
  house.
  Dreary dawn
  I crossed the frontier. I rolled the dice and got two stars. Blinded by the sun I adjusted my sunglasses and
  heard the creak of wood and the raven call. A dreary dawn bled into the morning.
  Alcorhythm
  No amount of drinking can kill real talent.
  Disaster
  My daughter"s boyfriend was a walking disaster.
  Machine operator
  Doesn"t care about his public image and toils away all summer for pittance.
  Letter
  The other musicians and I wrote tons of letters to our object of affection. The letters remained
  unanswered.
  Formaldehyde
  To begin with, I put a dot over some of the surnames. I had a whole staff of "serfs", students, working for
  me. Darkness entered their scarecrow-like mortal bodies. Without further ado, I announced the start of the
  longest night.
  Hummock
  The young Pioneer stood on a hummock as the prairie burned brightly around him.
  Morok
  Fungi, obscenities and bitter water.
  Mikhas
  Strong as an ox, a big kid with a childlike sense of wonder.
  Translator:Dzugkoyeva Evgeniya Vitalievna Editor:Kamaldinova Alena Maksimovna
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Новые книги авторов СИ, вышедшие из печати:
О.Болдырева "Крадуш. Чужие души" М.Николаев "Вторжение на Землю"

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